Life goes on...

It's absolutely amazing how many crazy things can happen in only 365 days. Last year, on this exact day, I ended my blog post with the words "life goes on." Back then, I was thinking about it as something that was going to happen. Life was going to continue, and I would make it. Now that I'm looking back at everything that's happened, I can see that life did go on. But what happened? Not much.

Today is my day. November 5th is my own day that seems normal to everyone else, but for me, it's different. This is my third significant November 5th, and every year since the day it happened, I compare each November 5th to the first one. Even though I haven't kept up with this blog at ALL, I am happy that I wrote a post for the past couple of years on this day. That way, I can see where I was at and compare this year to those years.

The first year I started writing in this, I was SUPER excited to start the blog and keep up with it. It seemed exciting to me, and I felt like I was starting a huge journey towards recovery. I have a love/hate relationship with that first post. On one hand, I like seeing myself in that very rare state of optimism and positivity. I'd started a new project, and I was determined to keep up with it! And I did...for a little while. It was my own form of therapy...and it was fantastic.

On the second 11/5 after that first post, I still had some of that excitement. You can tell I was trying to keep up with the whole purpose of the blog, and keep pushing forward in life and look at all the good things I had. But you could definitely see the real me, that pessimistic idiot, finding it's way into that post. I wouldn't say things were going downhill, but I wasn't on the same level as I had been 365 before I'd clicked that very first "publish" button. But that wasn't the point. The point was, I was staying positive and looking forward.

This year is a lot different. That amazing boyfriend I had last year is still mine...and he has become my lifeline. I love him more than anything, and I've got a really good feeling about that guy ;) Since last year, we've dealt with a lot of ups and downs...just as expected. Some days were harder than others, but no matter what, we fit together BETTER than peanut butter and jelly, and I'm convinced that nothing will ever be able to take away what we have.

My relationship with my family has been the only other thing keeping me breathing air this past year. All my little babies are growing up, and my friendships with them have their own personal touch. Emma and Anna have grown up into mature, beautiful young women. Brielle and Olivia are absolutely amazing people, and are always challenging me with their constant happiness and craziness. My baby boys aren't babies anymore...Jack and Carson are getting so tall and handsome, and are the best brothers any girl could have ever wanted. And then there's Averil...who surprises me every time I go back to visit home with her stories and songs and insanely advanced vocabulary. Not to mention, she still begs me to sing Goodnight My Angel every time I tuck her into bed.

One of the most motivating things to watch this year was my mom. Just in case any of you are unaware, my mom is the greatest person in the whole world. And by greatest, I mean GREATEST. She has been on an incredible journey in the past few years, and I have had the honor of talking to her and learning from her as she tells me stories of amazing life lessons that she's constantly learning herself and sharing with me. I used to think that once you're all grown up, you don't need to learn anymore. That's SO not true, and my mom proves that. If you knew her and could talk to her about everything she knows, it would knock you flat. She's basically superhuman. And by basically, I mean she is. It's her story, so I'm not going to tell it...but I will say that if I could grow up to be like anybody in the whole world. I would want to grow up to be my mom. Nobody else in the world even comes CLOSE to being as incredible as her. She has, and always will be, my favorite person in the whole world.

All that to say, my family is so important to me, and they are what give me purpose. And they give me a reason to stick around.

It's hard for me to look back this year and say whether or not I've improved. And I've decided that there's no way on earth that I could even compare this day to ANY November 5th I've experienced in the past. This one is just different.

In some ways, I've made incredible progress....although if I'm thinking about it right now, I can't see any areas in my life where I've improved. Right now, I'm really struggling, and I'm not afraid to admit it. If I've learned one thing from my mom and my family, it's that honesty is incredibly important. I'm learned to not be afraid of honesty. It's so hard for me, though. I'm starting to figure out that I'm a complicated person. I'm kind of ashamed that I didn't figure it out early. You'd think I'd have figured it out after being called "extreme" or "overly dramatic" billions and billions of times in my life. I'm starting to figure out that I'm a strange combination of "insanely different" and "painfully average." Finding a balance is making life really difficult.

Growing up, in my group of friends, I always considered myself to be "normal." I had lots of friends, I did school like everybody else, I got along with most people, I had an awesome family who I loved and who loved me...I was normal. Fast forward to November 5th, 2014 and I'll tell you right now that I feel so far from normal, it's not even funny. I can't seem to fit in anywhere. I don't have friends anymore...and when I say that, I don't mean that I don't know people. I still keep in touch with everybody I used to hang out with, I have 280 "friends" on Facebook, and I do my share of texting during the day. Buuuut...I don't really have friends like I used to. I don't "hang out" anymore. I've been told I'm socially awkward.

Ok...about that. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. When I first moved out of the house and went through my first year of college, it bothered me a lot. For the first couple of weeks, I was my "normal" self. I talked to people, introduced myself, and started talking. But whenever I admitted that I was home schooled, or that I had six sisters and two brothers, or that I was religious, things changed. I got that weird look...and a judgmental "wow." And I got picked on...a lot. There wasn't any use trying to explain myself because I just dug myself into a deeper hole. The people I initially talked to moved to the opposite side of the room. And usually I sat in the very back corner of the classroom at an empty table...and people deliberately took the other chairs from my table and crammed themselves onto the ends of tables that were already overloaded with people.

I don't talk much about that kind of stuff, because I usually get the "you're just imagining things" or "just ignore them." It got hard to ignore after the third semester. In my first year of college, I got asked on a date...the VERY first date I'd ever been asked on. It just so happened to be with a really weird guy from my literature class...I only went with him because I felt bad for him. But I never heard the end of it. Even my prof cracked some stupid joke about it in class about it. I never figured out who told him. But everybody knew.

It's kind of stupid to go back and think about it now, but the stuff I dealt with at school has always been something I kept quiet. I figured that other people had it worse than me, and I was too old to take their comments seriously. But it hurt...and it still does to this day. And all the comments that were made about me back then still make me wonder if I really am too socially awkward to have friends. The real truth is, I let all those comments get to my head...and now I don't even want friends. Part of me really misses having someone I can just call and go out to coffee with...but the other part of me doesn't want to see people at all. I know I'll just embarrass myself and make myself look like an idiot. What's the point even?? Dan likes hanging out with me, and that makes me happy enough that I don't feel like I really need anybody else. I get mad at myself for even thinking about having friends now.

That was kind of a rant...but I don't care. Nobody reads this stupid blog anyway. Besides, November 5th is my day, and I can say whatever I want.

This November 5th has brought me to the conclusion that while many things have improved since 2011, my mental state has not. It's gotten much worse. And it's getting to the point where if I don't do something soon, my life will go downhill again...much faster than it did three years ago. In honor of my "special" day, I contacted a psychologist nearby today and asked about setting up an appointment. I haven't spoken to a therapist in years, and I HATED the idea of giving up and finally getting help. I feel so defeated...although everyone around me will be so proud that I've made the first step to recovery.

I know I'm not alone in these problems I'm having...but I've never felt so lonely in my entire life. I don't have someone to set up an appointment for me. I don't have anybody who will make me go. I don't even have anybody who will go with me. I'm an adult, and those are things that I have to do by myself. I feel lonely and misunderstood. I don't want to talk to anybody. But I did it anyways, and if I hear back from this lady, I guess I'll end up going and see if it'll do me any good.

So that's my post for this year. It's not positive, and it's not optimistic. But I'm not going to lie. I live for my family. I live for Dan. And I live for the last few people in my life who know the real me, beginning to end. I am me. Weird or not. Socially awkward or not. Painfully average or not. And I'll continue to be me until the last breath of air that I breathe.

25 Days of Christmas: Cheat Sheet

Wanna do it with me?? Do it with me...

Day 1
Question - Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree??
Picture - Ugly Christmas sweater

Day 2
Question - Eggnog or Hot Chocolate??
Picture - Favorite mug

Day 3
Question - Colored lights or white lights for your decoration??
Picture - Favorite music this time of year

Day 4
Question - Do you hang mistletoe??
Picture - Most treasured decoration

Day 5
Question - When do you hang your Christmas decorations up??
Picture - Favorite holiday drink

Day 6
Question - What is your favorite holiday dish??
Picture - A shopping moment

Day 7
Question - What is your favorite holiday memory as a kid??
Picture - Ribbons and bows

Day 8
Question - What is on your Christmas wish list??
Picture - Favorite Christmas book

Day 9
Question - Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve??
Picture - Favorite toy

Day 10
Question - How do you decorate the Christmas tree??
Picture - Favorite holiday movie

Day 11
Question - Snow...love it or dread it??
Picture - A peaceful moment

Day 12
Question - Real tree or fake tree??
Picture - Holiday cookies and/or sweets

Day 13
Question - Do you remember your favorite gift??
Picture - Wrapping paper

Day 14
Question - What's the most important thing about Christmas for you??
Picture - A cozy moment

Day 15
Question - What is your favorite holiday dessert??
Picture - Favorite indoor decoration

Day 16
Question - What is your favorite tradition??
Picture - Flora

Day 17
Question - What tops your tree??
Picture - Snowman

Day 18
Question - Do you prefer giving or receiving??
Picture - Favorite holiday recipe

Day 19
Question - What is your favorite Christmas song??
Picture - A pet/animal moment

Day 20
Question - Candy canes...yuck or yum??
Picture - Favorite outdoor decoration

Day 21
Question - Favorite Christmas movie??
Picture - Oldest decoration

Day 22
Question - What do you leave for Santa??
Picture - Holiday lights

Day 23
Question - Do you have a Christmas morning tradition??
Picture - Favorite outfit

Day 24
Question - Do you prefer to shop online or at the mall??
Picture - Santa Clause

Day 25
Question - Christmas letter or Christmas card??
Picture - A family moment

There you have it!! If you happen to take a picture (which I'm not expecting, but whatever.) Just take it with your phone and text it to me...mah digits are 978-476-8017. (for the record, I actually had to look that up because I'm too dumb to remember my own number! So sad.)

25 Days of Christmas: Days 1 and 2

Hard to believe it's less than 25 days 'till Christmas!! I don't know about you, but this past year definitely flew by for me! Craziness happens...it's unavoidable. But Christmas is one of those holidays when you just want to forget all your problems and focus on all the good things that are happening and think about all the good memories you've had in your past. Some years are harder than other...I know for me this is already turning out to be a difficult holiday season, but I'm going to push past all the nasty stuff and try and focus on the good!!

Last year I tried to do a photo countdown for Christmas, and I kinda wanted to do the same thing again this year. Not sure how it's going to pan out...I already had one picked, but I missed the first day! It's ok, though...because I'm making up for it!! Aaaaaand...I'm also doing something extra!! Along with the picture every day, I'm going to answer a "Christmas question" and maybe tell a little Christmasy story behind the answer. I think it would be awesome if you answered too...jus' sayin' ;)

So here goes nothin'!!

Christmas photo #1: Ugly Christmas Sweater

I don't really have any ugly sweaters, so I had to go digging through some of my old clothes to find this one. It's not really ugly, I guess...but if you know anything about me, you know that I do NOT like the fat turtleneck sweaters!! I used to love them when I was younger, but NOT anymore!! Not cool..so this was the best I could do :P

Christmas Question #1: Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree??

We are BIG wrappers in my family!! I love wrapping gifts, and so does everyone else in my family...we like to see the colored paper and crazy ribbon under the tree on Christmas morning. Plus, who doesn't like anticipation and surprise?! I sure do :) I think the only time we didn't have a present wrapped was when someone got a bike or a fish or a hamster...or something along those lines. I'm pretty sure the year I got my unicycle it wasn't wrapped. But honestly, I didn't mind...it was AMAZING anyway!! 

So there's day one!! Technically I should have done that yesterday, but I didn't get around to it, so I'll do Day 1 and Day 2 today! Hopefully I'll be able to keep up until Christmas :D

Christmas Photo #2: favorite mug

Ok....this one is A DOUBLE!! WOOHOOO!! Because...

Christmas question #2: Eggnog or Hot Chocolate?? 

I answered both questions in ONE PICTURE!! My favorite drink is in my right hand, 

and my favorite mug is in my left hand. HA!! Try and figure that one out ;)

So I guess I'm caught up for the day! Tomorrow I'll have more!! I'm actually pretty excited about this. I know I don't write on this blog as much as I wish I did, but something about Christmas makes me want to write on it more. Don't ask me why...maybe it's because I had so much fun doing it last year!

If you guys have any pictures or answers to contribute, I'd love to see/hear them! I like people communicating with me. Makes me feel like I exist.

Happy December 2nd!!

Just another day...

Sooo...I have a TON of stuff to do today...and I should probably be doing it right now. But I decided to take a minute and write a post because.............

Today is November 5th.

I feel like I'm the only one who remembers November 5th...and I think I'm ok with that. I'm the only one who should remember, I guess. It was MY day, in a weird, depressing sort of way, and I didn't expect it to be remembered. I just wanted to remind myself of how things were, and how they are now. SO much has changed..SOOO much. The optimistic part of me can look back and see how much improvement there's been. But the pessimistic side of me really feels like there hasn't been any progress at all. I'm trying to pick a side...and it's harder than I thought it would be.

I really should lean towards the optimistic side...because there are so many things I can look at and be happy about! I had a FANTASTIC weekend with my boyfriend...and I couldn't have asked for a better guy. I'm very lucky :) I finally quit my other job, which could be looked at as a bad thing, but on the plus side, I'm less stressed about work, and I have a job that's getting me more money. I'm also looking at getting into an internship program in the Spring! But it's not for sure yet, so shhhhh! I'm just trying to stay positive ;)

It's so strange how one day can really affect the rest of your life. It doesn't feel like two years ago, to be honest. The feelings are still familiar, the images are TOO clear in my mind, and I still have to wonder if I'd do everything the same if I had a second chance to live that day. I guess I'll never know.

I guess that's all I have to say. I thought I'd have more to say about today...it's a big day. But in a way, it's really not. It's just another normal day....right?? I wish it was that easy.

I started this blog on November 5th last year, and I guess I stuck to my purpose. I kinda slacked a little in my posts, but I feel like the point of it stayed the same. I supposed my November 5th resolution this year is just to keep on keeping on. Even on the days when I still feel like I did two years ago, I just need to look at the positive side of life, and realize that I'm not where I was anymore. It's not easy, but it's necessary.

Life goes on...

Same Script, Different Cast

Sooooo when I'm bored, or when I REALLY don't want to be doing homework, I chill online and find stupid things to laugh at, or whatever. And apparently...

Your Ipod can say a lot about you!

In particular, what you listen to will answer a lot of questions about yourself! I did this, and I was literally laughing so hard, I thought I was going to pee my pants. Granted, not all of them were funny, but there were a few that literally made me laugh out loud because they were so true! Not all my music is on my Iphone yet, so this might not be completely accurate, but it's close enough.

I'm usually ashamed to tell people what kind of music I listen to, because I hate being picked on, but ya know what? Today I don't care. Whatever. Just because I don't listen to the popular, mainstream stuff doesn't mean I'm not cool...and IT DOESN'T MAKE ME HIPSTER! I. am. not. a. hipster. Got that? NOT. HIPSTER. I'm just weird...

You've gotta try this, it's hilarious. Find your Ipod and put alllll of your songs on shuffle. For every song that plays, press the next button for the answer. You HAVE to write the name of that song down no matter how stupid it sounds. Trust me. It all works out. Lol.

If someone says, "is this ok? you say?
Elephant Love Medley

What would best describe your personality?
Walk Like a Man

LOLOLOL!! I laughed pretty hard at this one. 

What do you like in a guy/girl?

If I Loved You

Apparently, if I loved you, I'd tell you.

What is your life's purpose?
The Hostess With the Mostes’

Damn straight! I'm gonna be the best hostess ever!!

What is your motto?

Past the Point of Rescue

Yes, that's possible. HAHA

What do your friends think of you?
Out of the Deep

I am...I know...I am.

What do you think about very often?
Nella Fantasia (In My Fantasy)

Get your minds out of the gutter! 

What is 2+2?
Hello Again
I'm laughing so hard!! Apparently I'm easily distracted!

What do you think of your best friend?
So Close

Oh my gosh, I WISH!! Seven hours away, unfortunately :/

What do you think of the person you like?
Robert Says Goodbye

First of all, his name is not Robert. Second of all, if his name WAS Robert, he would be saying goodbye and I'd be alone...lol

What is your life story?
The Power of Love

This is actually pretty true! 

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Hot Chocolate

LOLOLOLOL!  *sigh* Unattainable dreams...

What do you think when you see the person you like?
When Will My Life Begin

True dat!!

What do your parents think of you?
Love Will Save the Day

Yup!

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Getting to Know You

Hopefully I'll already know him...lolol

What will they play at your funeral?
I Whistle a Happy Tune

ACCURATE

What is your hobby/interest?
To Where You Are

I'm a stalker. I must know where you are.

What is your biggest secret?
All the Man That I Need

Don't read into this. I'm not a man.

What do you think of your friends?
Some Other Time

I'll get back to you when I have some.

What's the worst thing that can happen?

Merry Christmas

God forbid we have a good Christmas!!

How will you die?
Complainte de la Butte (The Lament of Butte Montmartre)

I feel like I should explain this one. No, I won't die complaining about my butt! The song is actually a sad love story about a poet who falls in love with beggar, and they never meet up again. It's possible...

What is the one thing you regret?
Big Man in Town
Don't....just don't...

What makes you laugh?
Big Girls Don’t Cry
HA! Big girls DO cry!

What makes you cry?
November Rain
Yes, because if it's raining in November it means there probably won't be snow for Christmas, and that's depressing. But who needs a Merry Christmas, right??

Will you ever get married?
Something to Say
I guess that means yes? I don't know...

What scares you the most?
Smooth Criminal
AMEN

Does anyone like you?
When You Wish Upon a Star
LOLOLOL!!! I WISH!!

If you could go back in time, what would you change?
You’re the One That I Want
Nope...I don't regret that...

What hurts right now?
Step By Step
Come to think of it, my knees are bothering me right now...

What will you say to your kid?
Stranger in Paradise
Hmmm..

What's your future career?
Find Your Wings
I'M GONNA BE A AIRPLANE PILOT!!!

Will you make a lot of money?
Mission Impossible
Now that's just depressing..lolololol

Will you have a best friend?
Smells Like Teen Spirit
I guess a teen best friend...lol

What will you name your first kid?
Sunsets
"Sunsets, you are a stranger in paradise."

Will you be happy?
Sit Down, You’re Rockin the Boat
Nope. I'm trying too hard.

What will be your most prized possesion?
Bodies
LOLOLOLOLOLOLolololololllllll......*gasp*.....LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!

What will you post this as?
Same Script, Different Cast
Done!

So there you have it! My fun activity and hilarity for the day. Back to homework!