It's absolutely amazing how many crazy things can happen in only 365 days. Last year, on this exact day, I ended my blog post with the words "life goes on." Back then, I was thinking about it as something that was going to happen. Life was going to continue, and I would make it. Now that I'm looking back at everything that's happened, I can see that life did go on. But what happened? Not much.
Today is my day. November 5th is my own day that seems normal to everyone else, but for me, it's different. This is my third significant November 5th, and every year since the day it happened, I compare each November 5th to the first one. Even though I haven't kept up with this blog at ALL, I am happy that I wrote a post for the past couple of years on this day. That way, I can see where I was at and compare this year to those years.
The first year I started writing in this, I was SUPER excited to start the blog and keep up with it. It seemed exciting to me, and I felt like I was starting a huge journey towards recovery. I have a love/hate relationship with that first post. On one hand, I like seeing myself in that very rare state of optimism and positivity. I'd started a new project, and I was determined to keep up with it! And I did...for a little while. It was my own form of therapy...and it was fantastic.
On the second 11/5 after that first post, I still had some of that excitement. You can tell I was trying to keep up with the whole purpose of the blog, and keep pushing forward in life and look at all the good things I had. But you could definitely see the real me, that pessimistic idiot, finding it's way into that post. I wouldn't say things were going downhill, but I wasn't on the same level as I had been 365 before I'd clicked that very first "publish" button. But that wasn't the point. The point was, I was staying positive and looking forward.
This year is a lot different. That amazing boyfriend I had last year is still mine...and he has become my lifeline. I love him more than anything, and I've got a really good feeling about that guy ;) Since last year, we've dealt with a lot of ups and downs...just as expected. Some days were harder than others, but no matter what, we fit together BETTER than peanut butter and jelly, and I'm convinced that nothing will ever be able to take away what we have.
My relationship with my family has been the only other thing keeping me breathing air this past year. All my little babies are growing up, and my friendships with them have their own personal touch. Emma and Anna have grown up into mature, beautiful young women. Brielle and Olivia are absolutely amazing people, and are always challenging me with their constant happiness and craziness. My baby boys aren't babies anymore...Jack and Carson are getting so tall and handsome, and are the best brothers any girl could have ever wanted. And then there's Averil...who surprises me every time I go back to visit home with her stories and songs and insanely advanced vocabulary. Not to mention, she still begs me to sing Goodnight My Angel every time I tuck her into bed.
One of the most motivating things to watch this year was my mom. Just in case any of you are unaware, my mom is the greatest person in the whole world. And by greatest, I mean GREATEST. She has been on an incredible journey in the past few years, and I have had the honor of talking to her and learning from her as she tells me stories of amazing life lessons that she's constantly learning herself and sharing with me. I used to think that once you're all grown up, you don't need to learn anymore. That's SO not true, and my mom proves that. If you knew her and could talk to her about everything she knows, it would knock you flat. She's basically superhuman. And by basically, I mean she is. It's her story, so I'm not going to tell it...but I will say that if I could grow up to be like anybody in the whole world. I would want to grow up to be my mom. Nobody else in the world even comes CLOSE to being as incredible as her. She has, and always will be, my favorite person in the whole world.
All that to say, my family is so important to me, and they are what give me purpose. And they give me a reason to stick around.
It's hard for me to look back this year and say whether or not I've improved. And I've decided that there's no way on earth that I could even compare this day to ANY November 5th I've experienced in the past. This one is just different.
In some ways, I've made incredible progress....although if I'm thinking about it right now, I can't see any areas in my life where I've improved. Right now, I'm really struggling, and I'm not afraid to admit it. If I've learned one thing from my mom and my family, it's that honesty is incredibly important. I'm learned to not be afraid of honesty. It's so hard for me, though. I'm starting to figure out that I'm a complicated person. I'm kind of ashamed that I didn't figure it out early. You'd think I'd have figured it out after being called "extreme" or "overly dramatic" billions and billions of times in my life. I'm starting to figure out that I'm a strange combination of "insanely different" and "painfully average." Finding a balance is making life really difficult.
Growing up, in my group of friends, I always considered myself to be "normal." I had lots of friends, I did school like everybody else, I got along with most people, I had an awesome family who I loved and who loved me...I was normal. Fast forward to November 5th, 2014 and I'll tell you right now that I feel so far from normal, it's not even funny. I can't seem to fit in anywhere. I don't have friends anymore...and when I say that, I don't mean that I don't know people. I still keep in touch with everybody I used to hang out with, I have 280 "friends" on Facebook, and I do my share of texting during the day. Buuuut...I don't really have friends like I used to. I don't "hang out" anymore. I've been told I'm socially awkward.
Ok...about that. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. When I first moved out of the house and went through my first year of college, it bothered me a lot. For the first couple of weeks, I was my "normal" self. I talked to people, introduced myself, and started talking. But whenever I admitted that I was home schooled, or that I had six sisters and two brothers, or that I was religious, things changed. I got that weird look...and a judgmental "wow." And I got picked on...a lot. There wasn't any use trying to explain myself because I just dug myself into a deeper hole. The people I initially talked to moved to the opposite side of the room. And usually I sat in the very back corner of the classroom at an empty table...and people deliberately took the other chairs from my table and crammed themselves onto the ends of tables that were already overloaded with people.
I don't talk much about that kind of stuff, because I usually get the "you're just imagining things" or "just ignore them." It got hard to ignore after the third semester. In my first year of college, I got asked on a date...the VERY first date I'd ever been asked on. It just so happened to be with a really weird guy from my literature class...I only went with him because I felt bad for him. But I never heard the end of it. Even my prof cracked some stupid joke about it in class about it. I never figured out who told him. But everybody knew.
It's kind of stupid to go back and think about it now, but the stuff I dealt with at school has always been something I kept quiet. I figured that other people had it worse than me, and I was too old to take their comments seriously. But it hurt...and it still does to this day. And all the comments that were made about me back then still make me wonder if I really am too socially awkward to have friends. The real truth is, I let all those comments get to my head...and now I don't even want friends. Part of me really misses having someone I can just call and go out to coffee with...but the other part of me doesn't want to see people at all. I know I'll just embarrass myself and make myself look like an idiot. What's the point even?? Dan likes hanging out with me, and that makes me happy enough that I don't feel like I really need anybody else. I get mad at myself for even thinking about having friends now.
That was kind of a rant...but I don't care. Nobody reads this stupid blog anyway. Besides, November 5th is my day, and I can say whatever I want.
This November 5th has brought me to the conclusion that while many things have improved since 2011, my mental state has not. It's gotten much worse. And it's getting to the point where if I don't do something soon, my life will go downhill again...much faster than it did three years ago. In honor of my "special" day, I contacted a psychologist nearby today and asked about setting up an appointment. I haven't spoken to a therapist in years, and I HATED the idea of giving up and finally getting help. I feel so defeated...although everyone around me will be so proud that I've made the first step to recovery.
I know I'm not alone in these problems I'm having...but I've never felt so lonely in my entire life. I don't have someone to set up an appointment for me. I don't have anybody who will make me go. I don't even have anybody who will go with me. I'm an adult, and those are things that I have to do by myself. I feel lonely and misunderstood. I don't want to talk to anybody. But I did it anyways, and if I hear back from this lady, I guess I'll end up going and see if it'll do me any good.
So that's my post for this year. It's not positive, and it's not optimistic. But I'm not going to lie. I live for my family. I live for Dan. And I live for the last few people in my life who know the real me, beginning to end. I am me. Weird or not. Socially awkward or not. Painfully average or not. And I'll continue to be me until the last breath of air that I breathe.
