If Only...

I named this post "If Only..." because right now I'm thinking, "If only I could actually keep up with this blog like I said I would." Sad, I know...

That "if only" also going along with my thought, "if only my life was interesting enough to write about." ...because unfortunately it's not! Lol...I'm pretty much filling up my time with school and work. Not a bad way to fill up my time, but it's definitely not as interesting as I wish it was :P

Do you ever just sit down somewhere and just think about stuff? I do...when I have time, that is :P I haven't had much time, but tonight I got home from work and actually was awake enough to sit down and just think...about life in general. It was pretty interesting :) My mind reminds me of the days when I lived at home and did a lot of vacuuming for my chores. Stuff goes into it (mind/vacuum), but you don't really pay much attention to what is getting sucked up.When I would vacuum, I was usually busy singing my head off (harmonizing to the vacuum, of course), crying because I hated vacuuming, pouting because I was in a bad mood about something other than vacuuming, or in a rush because I wanted to do something after I finished vacuuming. But then my worst nightmare would come true...

The vacuum would stop working.

Seriously...that's the most frustrating thing EVER!! And it always seemed to happen at the most inconvenient times! Then, of course, I'd have to stop and fix what was happening. Literally, I would plop myself in the middle of the living room floor and start taking the vacuum apart to try and find the issue. I would start by emptying the canister thingy where all the "normal" dirt was. Then, if that didn't work, I'd have to REALLY start digging around...ugh :S

The funny part is, I actually enjoyed finding stuff in the vacuum. I'd find the most interesting things sometimes :) When it comes to sitting down and thinking, I feel the same way. When I start getting stressed out, I sit down and start working through my thoughts. I go through all the normal stuff like reviewing my days, what I've been doing, where I've been going...stuff like that. But then, I start remembering funny/interesting/random bits of information that actually make me feel something.

That might sound weird, but I'll try to explain.

I didn't used to be a very emotional person. Yeah, I had emotions, but I wasn't in touch with them very much...in fact, I kind of tried to ignore them, hide them, and forget they existed. I'm a little different now...I try to accept emotions for what they are and deal with them when I should, but sometimes I get so distracted by life and stuff that I fall back into the same habit of ignoring them. It's not a very fun feeling, let me tell you that :/ It's kind of...

...empty.

But the moments when I sit down and think are the moments that bring back all the emotions that should have happened during the corresponding event, but didn't. Seriously...when I sit down, turn on some music, an think, I'm overwhelmed by all sorts of emotions. It's a freaky deaky experience. I think it's good for me, though. It's definitely a growing process...I learn a lot about who I am. I think if I ever wrote poetry about it, the title would be...

"The Vacuum That Is My Mind"

Who knows...it could be a success :P

I'm not sure what the whole point of this blog post was. I'm pretty sure I was just trying to find an excuse to write on it again :P I'll admit...my life is too boring to write about now. The interesting things that do happen are...well..let's just say...they aren't meant to be relived ;)

There. I've now updated my very UNpopular blog so the people who DON'T read it can continue to NOT care what I have to say :P But ya know what? That's ok. Ya know why? Because I think I'm finally ok with myself. Over the past year and a half, I've learned sooo much about who I am as a person. I've hated myself so much for so many reasons. I've hated my mind, my body, my personality, my actions, my words, my EVERYTHING! Truly accepting myself is a looong process, but I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere. I don't write this blog to try and prove something to other people...if I was, I would only be proving that I have NO writing skills, and NO life :P I write for myself...because it's how I communicate with myself.

And you know what?

Writing makes me happy :)

So...all that being said, I'm off to continue living my insanely busy, yet boring, life :) One day at a time, peeps.

Ciao!